I showed this amazing video Sunday morning. It reminds me that God reassures us of His presence even in our darkest times.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Emotional Bank Accounts
On Sunday I talked about "Surviving Tough Times as a Family." Every couple and every family is bound to go through some tough times. One of the things that can help us survive these is mastering the concept and use of "emotional bank acounts."
In his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says: "We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship. It's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
"If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you'll get my meaning anyway. You won't make me 'an offender for a word.' When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.
"But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreating, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then what flexibility do I have?
"None. I'm walking on mine fields. I have to be very careful of everything I say. I measure every word. It's tension city, memo haven. It's protecting my backside, politicking. And many organizations are filled with it. Many families are filled with it. Many marriages are filled with it. . . .Our most constant relationships, like marriage, require out most constant deposits. With continuing expectations, old deposits evaporate. . . . There are sometimes automatic withdrawals in your daily interactions or in their perception of you that you don't even know about. This is especially true with teenagers in the home.
"Suppose you have a teenage son and your normal conversation is something like, 'Clean your room. Button your shirt. Turn down the radio. God get a haircut. And don't forget to take out the garbage!' Over a period of time, the withdrawals far exceed the deposits.
"Now, suppose this son is in the process of making some important decisions that will affect the rest of his life. But the trust level is so low and the communication process so closed, mechanical, and unsatisfying that he simply will not be open to your counsel. You may have the wisdom and the knowledge to help him, but because your account is overdrawn, he will end up making his decisions from a short-range emotional perspective, which may well result in many negative long-range consequences. You need a positive balance to communicate on these tender issues. What do you do?
"What would happen if you started making deposits into the relationship? Maybe the opportunity comes up to do him a little kindness--to bring home a magazine on skateboarding, if that's his interest, or just to walk up to him when he's working on a project and offer to help. Perhpas you could invite him to go to a movie with you or take him out for some ice cream. Probably the most important deposit you could make would be just to listen, without judging or preaching or reading your own autobiography into what he says. Just listen and seek to understand. Let him feel your concern for him, your acceptance of him as a person.
"He may not respond at first. He may even be suspicious. 'What's Dad up to now? What technique is Mom trying on me this time?' But as those genuine deposits keep coming, they begin to add up. That overdrawn balance is shrinking.
"Remember that quick fix is a mirage. Building and repairing relationships takes time. If you become impatient with his apparent lack of response or his seeming ingratitude, you may make huge withdrawals and undo all the good you've done."
A little later, Covey tells about a friend whose son was a big baseball fan, when his friend wasn't at all. However, one summer this man took his son to see every major league team play one game. The trip took over six weeks and cost a great deal of money, but it became a powerful bonding experience in their relationship. When they got back, someone asked, "Do you like baseball that much?" Covey's friend responded: "No, but I like my son that much."
How about your Emotional Bank Accounts? Have you overdrawn some of them? If so, what are you willing to do fix things?
In his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey says: "We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship. It's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
"If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you'll get my meaning anyway. You won't make me 'an offender for a word.' When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.
"But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreating, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then what flexibility do I have?
"None. I'm walking on mine fields. I have to be very careful of everything I say. I measure every word. It's tension city, memo haven. It's protecting my backside, politicking. And many organizations are filled with it. Many families are filled with it. Many marriages are filled with it. . . .Our most constant relationships, like marriage, require out most constant deposits. With continuing expectations, old deposits evaporate. . . . There are sometimes automatic withdrawals in your daily interactions or in their perception of you that you don't even know about. This is especially true with teenagers in the home.
"Suppose you have a teenage son and your normal conversation is something like, 'Clean your room. Button your shirt. Turn down the radio. God get a haircut. And don't forget to take out the garbage!' Over a period of time, the withdrawals far exceed the deposits.
"Now, suppose this son is in the process of making some important decisions that will affect the rest of his life. But the trust level is so low and the communication process so closed, mechanical, and unsatisfying that he simply will not be open to your counsel. You may have the wisdom and the knowledge to help him, but because your account is overdrawn, he will end up making his decisions from a short-range emotional perspective, which may well result in many negative long-range consequences. You need a positive balance to communicate on these tender issues. What do you do?
"What would happen if you started making deposits into the relationship? Maybe the opportunity comes up to do him a little kindness--to bring home a magazine on skateboarding, if that's his interest, or just to walk up to him when he's working on a project and offer to help. Perhpas you could invite him to go to a movie with you or take him out for some ice cream. Probably the most important deposit you could make would be just to listen, without judging or preaching or reading your own autobiography into what he says. Just listen and seek to understand. Let him feel your concern for him, your acceptance of him as a person.
"He may not respond at first. He may even be suspicious. 'What's Dad up to now? What technique is Mom trying on me this time?' But as those genuine deposits keep coming, they begin to add up. That overdrawn balance is shrinking.
"Remember that quick fix is a mirage. Building and repairing relationships takes time. If you become impatient with his apparent lack of response or his seeming ingratitude, you may make huge withdrawals and undo all the good you've done."
A little later, Covey tells about a friend whose son was a big baseball fan, when his friend wasn't at all. However, one summer this man took his son to see every major league team play one game. The trip took over six weeks and cost a great deal of money, but it became a powerful bonding experience in their relationship. When they got back, someone asked, "Do you like baseball that much?" Covey's friend responded: "No, but I like my son that much."
How about your Emotional Bank Accounts? Have you overdrawn some of them? If so, what are you willing to do fix things?
Monday, March 16, 2009
10 Ways to Save $1,000
On Sunday I kicked off my new message series, "Tough Times" by talking about "Surviving Tough Financial Times." In addition to providing a biblical context for this topic, I shared 12 specific strategies for either cutting expenses or increasing income.
On March 5, The Oregonian carried an AP article by Chris Bain entitled, "10 Ways to Save $1,000." I thought you might be interested in his tips.
1: Haggle. Paying full price is so 2005. But if you're like many Americans, you can't negotiate your way out of a parking lot. Learn and save. Things such as rent, bank fees, electronics, apparel and even food can be had at a discount just by asking — or by offering to pay cash.
2: Get neighborly. If you stay closer to home you'll save big. AAA estimates it costs more than $8,000 a year to operate the average car. Driving 15 percent less amounts to a $1,200 savings in that case.
3: Raise your deductibles. On home and car insurance, agreeing to pay a higher deductible, say $1,000 instead of $250 or $500, can save you a bundle in premiums.
4: Choose term life insurance. You're only covered for a set amount of years, but you can get a lot more for a lot less cash. A 20- or 30-year term policy will cover the life of a mortgage and be there until kids are out of college. For a healthy 35-year-old man, $500,000 of insurance can be had for $30 a month for 20 years. That same amount in whole life could cost hundreds a month.
5: Butt out. Taxes on smokes are going up again, putting the average price of a pack of Marlboros at more than $5. A pack a day at that price costs $1,825 a year.
6: Open an IDA. An individual development account is a special savings account that helps low-income workers buy homes, cars or start businesses. The accounts are matched by donated dollars at a 1:1 or 1:2 ratio. More people qualify than one might think. Visit http://www.idanetwork.org to find out more.
7: Drive a stick. They can run about $800 less than an automatic and get two to four miles per gallon more, according to Consumer Reports. They cost less to fix and you earn cool points.
8: Get a roommate. Your home is typically your biggest monthly expense. Whether you rent or own, cut your cost and make a new friend.
9: Take a staycation. Turn off the phone, disconnect the computer and stop your mail. Check for resident discounts on local attractions and explore some great restaurants.
10: Do some sit-ups. Is that New Year's resolution slimming your wallet more than your waist? Consider ditching the pricey gym membership and save on gas getting there. Find out if you can freeze payments when you aren't going.
On March 5, The Oregonian carried an AP article by Chris Bain entitled, "10 Ways to Save $1,000." I thought you might be interested in his tips.
1: Haggle. Paying full price is so 2005. But if you're like many Americans, you can't negotiate your way out of a parking lot. Learn and save. Things such as rent, bank fees, electronics, apparel and even food can be had at a discount just by asking — or by offering to pay cash.
2: Get neighborly. If you stay closer to home you'll save big. AAA estimates it costs more than $8,000 a year to operate the average car. Driving 15 percent less amounts to a $1,200 savings in that case.
3: Raise your deductibles. On home and car insurance, agreeing to pay a higher deductible, say $1,000 instead of $250 or $500, can save you a bundle in premiums.
4: Choose term life insurance. You're only covered for a set amount of years, but you can get a lot more for a lot less cash. A 20- or 30-year term policy will cover the life of a mortgage and be there until kids are out of college. For a healthy 35-year-old man, $500,000 of insurance can be had for $30 a month for 20 years. That same amount in whole life could cost hundreds a month.
5: Butt out. Taxes on smokes are going up again, putting the average price of a pack of Marlboros at more than $5. A pack a day at that price costs $1,825 a year.
6: Open an IDA. An individual development account is a special savings account that helps low-income workers buy homes, cars or start businesses. The accounts are matched by donated dollars at a 1:1 or 1:2 ratio. More people qualify than one might think. Visit http://www.idanetwork.org to find out more.
7: Drive a stick. They can run about $800 less than an automatic and get two to four miles per gallon more, according to Consumer Reports. They cost less to fix and you earn cool points.
8: Get a roommate. Your home is typically your biggest monthly expense. Whether you rent or own, cut your cost and make a new friend.
9: Take a staycation. Turn off the phone, disconnect the computer and stop your mail. Check for resident discounts on local attractions and explore some great restaurants.
10: Do some sit-ups. Is that New Year's resolution slimming your wallet more than your waist? Consider ditching the pricey gym membership and save on gas getting there. Find out if you can freeze payments when you aren't going.
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